The Coming Out Support Center

One of the toughest decisions many gay and lesbian people face over the course of their entire lives is making their sexual identity known to their parents, family and friends.  Most, but not all, human cultures have very fixed gender stereotypes and many have very rigid ideas about human sexuality.  

Most gay and lesbian people know from a very early age that they do not fall within gender stereotypes and their ideas of what is attractive in a mate are not in line with what many expect.  When a son, daughter, sibling or friend chooses to tell you that they are gay or lesbian, they are telling you something they may have kept hidden for decades.  They are telling you something they do not feel they have to hide anymore.  

It can be confusing, under the circumstances, to know how to react.   You may have strong feelings of surprise or concern for your loved one, complex emotions related to how you've been brought up and things you've seen, even matters of faith and spirituality you now have to think about in a new way. Saying and doing the right thing, the thing that is most honest and helpful, may be difficult for you because you are overwhelmed with emotions.

This guide is designed to give you practical, straight forward, rational support so you and your friend or loved one will find this time of courage and honesty rewarding for both of you.

Just Found Out

Survivors Say: The Best Resources if You've Just Found Out a Loved One is Gay or Lesbian

• Coming Out Stories
• Parents of Gay Children Brochure from the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth
• Famous gay lesbian and bisexual people
  

The Big Picture

When someone you love or are close to, whether this person is a relative or a friend, comes out to you, you may find yourself rethinking a lot of issues about gender, sexuality and identity.  The important thing to remember is that the person you care about hasn't changed.  What has changed is your perception of them.  These resources can help you explore what it means to be masculine and feminine, gay or lesbian, or even bi-sexual.

Understanding Masculine and Feminine Traits as Separate from Sexual Gender

Women's Intellectual Contributions to the Study of Mind and Society: Gender Roles

Kinsey Institute: Prevalence of Homosexuality

Gender Identification: What Parents Want to Know

Parenting Teens: Gender Identification

Your Friend or Loved One

Wondering why it is so important for your friend or loved one to be honest about their sexual preferences?   Wondering why they decided to come out now?   Here are some references you will find useful.

Why Come out? Benefits and Risks

Parenting Teens: Gender Identification

When to come out.

About: How do I Know When to  Come Out?

Your World

Many social issues may affect someone who is openly gay or lesbian, which means those who love them are also affected. 

• ACLU: Human Rights & Civil Rights for Gay & Lesbian People
• ACLU: Gay & Lesbian Parental Rights
• Gay & Lesbian Employment Rights
• Gay & Lesbian Health Care Rights
• GLSEN: Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network - Insuring Safe Schools for All Kids
  

Gay and Lesbian Myths

• Gays and Lesbians are easy to identify
• To be a good Christian you must reject homosexuals
• Gays and Lesbians molest children

Information and Recommended Links for Survivors

• Gay and Lesbian Teen Dating
• Health Advice for Gay Men
• Find a Gay or Lesbian Friendly Therapist

Creating a Support Circle

• Set up a TSC survivor profile.
• Create or join a support group, online or in person.
• Share updates on how you're doing with other survivors and co-survivors.

Marriage, Family, Work & Insurance Issues

Gay and Lesbian couples, and those who care for them, need to be aware of legal considerations that may have a significant impact on them.  The following resources are useful in this regard.

Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships

About: Marriage & Rights 

Protecting Gay and Lesbian Parental Rights

Equal Access to Our Children

Estate Planning for Gay and Lesbian Couples

Rainbow Law: Questions About Specific Legal Documents

Health Insurance for Gay Couples

About: Gay-Specific Health Insurance Plans

Marriage Advice

About: Gay Life - Marriage & Family 

Books Survivors Recommend

• GLBQT: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens
• A Legal Guide for Lesbian & Gay Couples
• Coming out, Coming in: Nurturing the Well-Being and Inclusion of Gay youth in Mainstream Society
  

What Survivors Wish They'd Known

These are things to keep in mind when communicating with a friend or family member who has come out:

• They are the same people you've always loved. Learning that they are gay or lesbian may explain some events from the past, or enlighten you as to sources of past miscommunication or frustration, but you aren't dealing with an alien life form or a person you know nothing about.  You're dealing with a person who, like everyone, has a private life you don't know everything about.
• Asking a gay or lesbian person not to come out is like asking them to pretend they never grew up.  It is not that being gay or lesbian is the only thing that is important to them.  It is that they, like everyone else, have a right to build relationships with consenting adults that are based on their true sexual identity. Allowing them the freedom to do that is just allowing them to be like everyone else.
• Supporting your gay or lesbian teen that has chosen to come out is the smartest thing you can do.  They've chosen to be honest, straight forward, and rather courageous in letting you know what they believe is true about themselves.  As a parent, you may wonder if they are correct about themselves. You may have concerns about the difficult road some gay and lesbian people find themselves on.  But supporting a kid who is being honest and communicative is the best way to ensure they will feel comfortable coming to you in the future.
  

Dealing with Work & Industrial Injury: Information for Co-Survivors

How You Can Help

• Let the person who has come out know that you are glad they felt they could be honest with you.
• Support them in deciding when and how to tell others.  They may choose to tell some people face to face, others in writing, and others not at all.  Disclosing personal information should be a matter of personal choice.
• Take time to become informed on gay and lesbian issues that may affect your friend or family member.  They may need your well considered opinion or insight in the months and years to come. You want to make sure you are well informed when you give it.
  

What to Say

• "Thank you for telling me."
• "Is there anything that needs to change in how we live or work together?  Have I been treating you appropriately?"
• "How do you feel now that you’ve told me?"
  

What Not to Say

• "That can't be true!"
• "You can change back."
• "I can't love you, or spend time with you, if you're gay."
• “It’s just a passing phase.”
  

Things You can do for a Survivor Every day

• Treat them in the kind, helpful, open and honest way you treat anyone else you like and admire.
  
• Let them share information you're comfortable hearing.
  
• Help them find good mental health care, legal advice or other resources when they run into trouble.
  

How to Build a Support Network

• Set up your TSC co-survivor profile.
• Create a support group for your friend or family member.
• Interact and provide updates on how your loved one is doing.
  

How to Help a Survivor deal with Day-to-Day Challenges

• Work/School - Your friend or family member, like any other human, has a right to go to school or work and to be treated well by teachers, administrators and fellow students. 
  
• Family - Your friend or family member has a right to be safe in their own home.  Let them know they do not merit substandard treatment from parents or siblings that have some issue with their sexual identity. 
  

Once you're over the initial surprise of knowing a friend or family member is gay or lesbian, you're ready to ensure your family and community thrives.

Building diverse communities

Equality Project: Equality Principles 

Amnesty: Working to protect human rights

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Human Rights 

Human Rights Watch: Working to protect human rights

Turkey: Transgender Activist Murdered 

Ensuring civil rights state to state

LGBT Rights Resources

Give Back

Now that you have supported a friend or a family member who is openly gay or lesbian, you are part of an international community which supports human and civil rights.  Give back to your community by sharing your views with others when and where you feel it is most appropriate. 

Ultimately, if you find that you are unable to offer acceptance and support to a friend or relative that has revealed his or her homosexuality, your relationship will likely suffer considerably, and possibly end completely. You may want to give serious thought to such a drastic step and try to find it in yourself to put aside any religious or moral reservations and simply accept this facet of the person’s overall being and weigh things accordingly.